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Caught Google Stalking & How to Get Out of It: A Pros Guide

Hi. I’m Shannon Leigh. I am a comedian and I think I’m hilarious. Tonight I did a set I do a lot and it always crushes – I call my bit “Google Stalking” for the newly single folk and now I just do it cause it’s entertaining AFFFFFF.

I got divorced as a very young lady (see my PROF PIC OBVI) and entered the dating world for the first time as an adult not long ago…well a few years, but the first 2 didn’t count as I had to learn it all over again and see what was good> So many princes roaming around out there. Syke! Nah, but there are some left, for real, I’ve seen it.

Anyway, being new in this world has caused me to have learn things that one should be doing in this dating landscape. Like one thing I noticed is that nowadays us ladies have a responsibility to google men we go out with cause we’ve gotta make sure we don’t end up with a registered sex offender….or someone who is poor [Gross which is worse???????].

Cause no one likes to admit it, BUT WE ALL DO THIS [I mean, we’re all internet trolls of varying proportions]. And that’s why the people laugh. Cause it’s true and there’s truth in laughter.

It’s like that point we get to in a new relationship and it goes down like this for both men and woman but since I’m a lady woman, I say it from our POV so when a guy starts to reveal facts about his past, like the fact he has an EX, we’re like OHHHHH For REALS? You have an ex? Like, as in someone you’ve dated before me???? What’s her NAME? Dying.

Cause In the girl brain, We’re like TG. He’s finally speaking of Natasha. We OF COURSE already know everything about Natasha cause we’ve been on her instagram 167 times since we met you boo. She’s so DUMB lol she posts food porn pics, she fuckin loves lasagna! Ok, wait…

Lets be honest, food pornists should be shot, eat your shit no one cares we all eat food this is America, we’re not Fievel Mousekwitz starving for our next piece of shit my Mom makes a better rendition of that lasagna and she’s quite frankly a mediocre cook and is a Russian Jew and isn’t even Italian.

Is the first thought that goes through my head.

Second, she’s all into posting inspirational quotes. “Live Each Day Like it’s Your Last” #Blessed

Honestly, TG you gotta another boyfriend and you live in the valley now cause seriously Natasha  posting all that bullshit and eating all that lasagna WHAT are you GARFIELD THE CAT and how do you stay so skinny. Kill yourself. Wait what? Just kidding don’t lol

So nowadays I still occasionally insta stalk her to see if she’s doing anything cool mainly.

I feel like the google stalking process is sort of a guilty pleasure in the New Ages. The new bonbons and Bridget Jones/Fried Green Tomatoes Fest if you will but fuck it cause guys do it too. One time I was dating this new guy I kinda liked and he liked a weird post my sis posted on my FaceBook Page that same day right after our first date [ok lets be honest that night but all we did was make out] and the post was super irrelevant “Like All People From New Jersey Be Like This….” and he’s from somewhere like Sunnyvale but the best part was it was from like 6 months ago which means he be scrolling down my feed like Whaaaaa looking thru my shit and accidentally hit like ! If I had an inner goddess like the dum-dum from 50 shades..she did an air fist pump cause she’s from Jersey.

Ok so here’s how I became a Pro and this is my guide. I recently got caught in a big fatty. I pinterest stalked my ex’s current GF and accidentally liked one of her PINS HER FUCKIN PINS. I figured, no one even checks who likes their dumb pins on Pinterest but she’s a girl so chances are 50/50 but more importantly WTF WTF WTF ETERNAL WTF.

3 months goes by. I’ve moved on with my life, dating somebody new, almost forgot her name. Saw her at a party recently. Now Lades most time, you don’t even interact with this person. How could I be so lucky?! Fuck. But if you do, this is how it goes down:

She goes, hey, you liked a pin of mine on Pinterest. I was like [feigned] WHAAAAAA? that’s so weird I have like 1K pins and I do DIY home projects on there sometimes but I barely go on there, what are the odds.

So she was like, Oh, wait, you didn’t mean to?

Me: Ummm, no that’s like so weird who stalks people on Pinterest.

Her: Hmmm, that is crazy odds, but we do have (BLEEP’s NAME) in common, so maybe we like the same things?!

ME: Yeah probably cool maybe. So…what was the pin like? I’m super curious *Yawn*

Her: Oh for like some pallet thing.

ME: WHAAAA? OMG that’s so weird because I have a whole board about pallet projects. In fact, I just grew an entire herb garden in a pallet. A fuckin pallet?! Can you believe it?

Her: *No Words*

ME: Yeah, I know right?! I even just had a girls night last Friday and all the girls came over and we drank wine and I made them dinner only of herbs from my fresh pallet garden except my much anticipated “Fennel” (MAKE SURE YOU DO JAZZ HANDS HERE) hasn’t even bloomed yet. But yo its all good cause I had the Rosemary, Thyme, fucking Parsley, I even made mint Mojito’s as my “sig cocktail” (SING-SONG, own this part) it was amazing.

[Girl Brain: Ok this girl is nice and I’m not trying to make her feel bad for not being invited to my herb & wine night party, but I know she did anyway because the truth is we’re not friends because she F’s my ex and that’s how that goes.]

Her: Walks away bewildered and slightly annoyed

TRUTH: I accidentally hit like and couldn’t undo it so I owned that shit. I grew an Herb Garden. Out of a PALLET. ON MY DECK for fuckin real in lieu of the fact that I knew this shit COULD come back to me. This sounds a little extreme but ask any of my friends I’m kinda nuts and I really love weird projects so it was kind of a blessing in disguise. So I DID IT & once those little babies sprouted up like cabbage patch kids (except not the lame baby boy kind, ugghghghghghhh), I threw an actual party. One of my friends at the party was like, “How’d you get this Idea?” Pinterest, duh = Alibi. “Pinterest? How Do you Pin?” Bitch, get the fuck out of my house right now JK I’ll show you = Tutorial. Me: “Girls! Let’s take Selfies of us eating the shit out of some homegrown RoseMary! Then everyone posts the best picture of themselves eating the shit out of some homegrown Rosemary #ShansPalletGarden on social media = Evidence.

I’m sorry but if anyone watches the People vs. OJ they’ll know what just happened. The other bitch just got Marcia Clarked. The verdict is in. Now we all move on with our lives and I have a wonderful garden that I love and I don’t even cook but it smells good and everything happens for a reason.

Here’s another example. In the brillant Judd Apatow’s Show LOVE re: new amazingness Netflix Original, in like EP 2 The main character, Gus, says [at the juncture in which he’s throwing his blue-rays out the window like a crazy man] “Whatever Homeland, Season 3 was so confusing no one breaks into in Iran!” Something to that affect Is what he says to justify why he’s throwing out his coveted collection because he’s nursing a breakup and can’t keep his copy of Homeland anymore. And I include this because that particular part made me laugh so hard because Season 3 of Homeland was so confusing and I got it, but I watched the whole thing anyway because in all fairness, Clare Danes is cray cray, but she’s so on it that she could google stalk better than most of us with her eyes closed and be a better candidate to run against Donald Trump, ESPECIALLY when she’s all hopped up on lithium.

Well Gus, you’re right in that no one can just sneak into Iran, it’s hard and an overall a pretty sketchy thing to attempt. Me personally I’d rather sneak into a sweaty gym sock. But I guarantee you this sir,

If you are a girl stalking your Ex’s Ex on social media and she posts a How-To on how to break into Iran and you accidentally HIT LIKE (and break into a cold sweat and are like WTF WTF WTMFFF and then FFFF, which will happen….

Chances are, your new girl just schooled the Middle East, snuck into Iran, prevented the red head from Billions from dying, ended terrorism, terrified ISIS, and freed some refugees. And you know what it’s because no matter what motivates us, if motivated properly, an empowered woman can accomplish literally anything, no matter how tall the order.  I know I sound crazy and I am a little, but calm down because it’s in the good, fun kind of way. Some people arent going to feel comfortable with all this cause of the lengths gone to get out of your misstep clean but you still do it and you know why?

Because you’re a BOSS.

And seriously though, Fuck Natasha.

 

 

 

 

 

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