No, this is not a half drunken sailor with a bowl cut, if that’s what you’re thinking.
This happens to be my Mother trying to FaceTime. Who I love more than life itself. She’s my sista, motha, a guiding light who can also shut that shit down with the turn of a switch. It’s an epidemic.
It all started with LOL way back when and now this is where we are with the parent child communications. When I got a divorce a few years ago, my Mom followed it up with a text that said, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry, I love you. LOL.” In her Jewey, New Jersey accent.
Great. I thought. What an asshole. I later learned that she always thought it meant Lots of Love. What’s more fitting is her subtle questioning of my life choices, passively suggesting I make different choices, while not-so-subtly vocalizing that she really wants grandkids like yesterday and her full on obsession with if / who I’m dating yet. I have thought about sending her pictures from magazine ads of hot pretty Ken Doll looking men on sailboats wearing stripes and boat shoes just to satisfy her but I haven’t yet because then I’m going to have to make up ongoing stories and background information and pretend dating sequences that never happened with my invisible boyfriend and I don’t care that it’s creepy it just sounds like a lot of work. I’m still considering it.
Sometime in 2014, my mother, let’s call her Mirta, which may or may not be a fake name to protect her identity or maybe I wrote it because Mirta is weird and uncommon and it might mean poop in Spanish, which has no relevance considering my Mom is a Russian Jew but that’s not the point. Mirta or “Mirts” for short, went through a very heavy texting emoji phase when she discovered their existence and at times, refused to communicate with me via text unless we spoke in picture stories. She is also a Kindergarten teacher, so now she gets to talk to me like one of her students and of course that was great for me at all times.
I know you’re smart, but just in case.
Ok anyway, emoticons have been around for like ever and when a parent or older person first discovers what’s going on in the world it’s both amusing and irritating.
I’d get random texts like this:
Side note: My father is not black. I imagine Mirts is not aware that you can choose from multiple race emoticons.
Translation: hey shika* You took your father to Ireland, so…when are we going to Hawaii?
*shika: a made up Yiddish word, that combines a shiksa (a non Jewish girl) + an alcoholic. So basically she’s making fun of me for not looking Jewish and calling me an alcoholic.
Here’s the most common occurrence:
👵🏻??? 👰????????? 👶🏻???????????
Translation: None needed.
My favorite was when I responded back that the closest you are getting to grandkids anytime soon is if I accidentally get knocked up.
Her Response: 💩
So, here I think we’re in the clear and Mirts goes back to communicating with me the old school way, with a cord attached to it. But then she randomly sent me this:
But then one day she accidentally pressed the FaceTime call button on her iPhone 4 she doesn’t know how to use.
The first time it happened, I got a whip of what the fuck is happening now, answered and saw a very excited woman staring back at me, not entirely sure how my face appeared on her phone. She told me this is a miracle and also it looked like I hadn’t brushed my hair yet for the day (I hadn’t), with no appearance of clothing (on her not me) from the neck up (I still cringe a little at the thought).
Mom, are you naked?
She laughs hysterically and doesn’t acknowledge my question.
Finally, she scans down and reveals that she’s wearing a sleeveless tube dress.
Me: Mom, isn’t that dress a little young for you?
Mirts: Well Shannon, when you can produce some grandkids, I’ll begin dressing like a grandmother. Until then, I’m going to dress like your MILF.
Nowadays most of our conversations consist of her sheer inability to find the camera, speaking to different angles of half of her face diagonal and sometimes her ear, as she usually forgets we are even on FaceTime.
What’s next? Are parents going to start learning what apps are? Is it possible that the next wave upcoming is questions like, so who are you snap chatting these days are you swiping right a lot this week Shannon I felt your last tweet was a little suggestive now I know what dick pics are and do you get those WHY ARE YOU INSTA/BLOGGING ABOUT ME
If no one can identify with this apparent parental technological advancement problem we’re going through, try getting your life decisions judged by your mothers forehead wrinkle.